Soul to Squeeze.

I’m out. I didn’t say it at loud. And actually I can’t remember why exactly. He wanted us to get married. He wanted to be there for me for the rest of his life. He seemed truly self committed, damn it. I knew it damn well, that he loved me. What was it then? I had a funny feeling that if I went downstairs to ask Steve, he’d remember, he’d tell me.

It wasn’t about all those women, I knew that if he wanted, he could be faithful. I knew, once betrothed, he’d never betray me. And if he would… Nah, it wasn’t the thing that was bothering me. I looked down on his arms squeezing the soul out of me. My head was empty, my heart was full, so much stronger and so much more put down to earth than any reason of my lately. If ever.

I leaned my head back upon his shoulder.

What’s your point, Anthony?, I asked tiredly.

You know, girl. You’re just scared of it.

Oh, and you are not.

I’m not. I want this, all of this.

But I don’t want ALL of this.

What is that you don’t want, baby?

Damn, I can’t remeber. Shit, what was wrong? I stared down again on his arms. His arms. Those little invisible scars, but I knew they were there. Oh, God.

This cold, cold place.

Black and white.

Blood.

I can’t go there while having Toni.

I can’t go there ever again.

I must have mumbled something at loud, because he said:

We don’t have to move to New Zealand. I love this place, I love to share it with you. But we can stay here with sun always shining, with the palm trees growing all around us and…

I’m not talking about New Zealand.

Oh, but… especially…

I’m not talking about Michigan either.

We were silent for a very long while.

Anthony, please. Please, please, promise me.

Anything.

Promise me you won’t go back, when you leave this house.

Silence this time was unbearable.

What?, he asked through his teeth clenched.

She’s not yours. Oh, this is all just pointless. Why did you come here? No, don’t tell me. Don’t ask me again. Just go. You have to leave now.

I freed myself from his arms and I hid my face in my hands to make it easier. But I glanced at him when he turned away and I followed him downstairs. I was so afraid.

Anthony…

He stopped to look at me. Steve stood up from the kitchen table. I stared at Anthony intensly.

I’m afraid to lose you.

He smiled softly.

Once you’re in, you can never come back. You know that. But it’s not that bad. It’s not.

Please, stay… alive.

What for?, he smiled crookedely. He sent me a light, windy kiss in the air. Bless your heart, girl.

I followed him to the front door. I tried to open it, but he started doing so himself. We were too close, I backed a step away. I crossed my forearms on my chest.

Should I expect to hear a cuddly puppy-eyed song how bitchy I was on the radio as a bloody revenge from your side?, I asked.

He grinned at me. He came up to me slowly, closely, holding his head high. He was looking down at me with this loving irony in his eyes.

Yeah, that’s a price for screwing me.

It seems I have to pay a hell lot more that you do, I noticed bitterly.

Oh, do…, he murmurred into my face. Do tell me about that. What do you want me to pay? What do you need me to pay you for? Maybe some alimony? No?!

Fuck off.

We smiled at each other and then he left. I came back to the kitchen with tears in my eyes. Steve looked at me grimly. I sobbed, so he took me in his arms and hugged me. I completely lost myself.

I love him so much, I moaned.

He hugged me even more.

I know, he whispered.